Books from Finland - A literary journal of writing from and about Finland.

Ever wished there were just a few more hours in the day? We certainly have. Forgive us if you’ve seen it before, but this little homily has been doing the rounds on the internet in Finland. It made us laugh, if a little hollowly.

It’s healthy to eat an apple a day, and a banana, for the calcium, and an orange, for the vitamin C, and you need to drink a cup of green tea to reduce your cholesterol. You should also drink two litres of water (and wee the same amount, which doubles the amount of time you spend in the bathroom). And don’t forget the two decilitres of yogurt that you should eat to keep the bacterial flora of your stomach healthy. No one really knows what these bacteria are, but you MUST have at least a million of them, or you won’t be well! You must also drink a glass of red wine a day so you don’t have a heart attack, and a glass of white wine to protect your nervous system! And a glass of beer (I can’t quite remember why), but if you drink them all at the same time you may have a stroke. That won’t matter, though, as you won’t notice it. Everyone should also eat nuts and beans/peas every day. You should eat 4-6 times a day, light meals, but don’t forget that each mouthful should be chewed at least 36 times. That will take up 5 hours of your day!

You should brush your teeth after every meal, so do it after you’ve eaten your yoghurt, your banana, your nuts/beans. You can do this so long as you have teeth, and don’t forget to floss, use mouthwash, or massage your gums. You may as well clean the bathroom at the same time. It’s worth installing a CD player or television in the bathroom, because in view of the liquids you’re drinking and the number of times you’ll be cleaning your teeth, you’ll probably be spending a lot of time there.

You also need to sleep 8 hours a day, and spend another 8 at work, and then there are the 5 hours you spend eating, 21 hours in total. So there are 3 hours left. According to statistics, people watch television for about 3 hours a day. But that doesn’t work, as you also need to walk for at least 1 hour a day. You also need time to met your friends; they’re like plants, and need daily care and attention.

In addition to all this you ought to be aware. You need to read at least two newspapers a day and a couple of evening papers in order to have a sufficiently broad view of the world, to stay critical. You also need to give time to your family, mop the floors, wash the dishes, do the laundry, as well as all the other chores you will need to carry out if you have children or pets. When you add them all up, the total is 29 hours.

The only solution is to multitask! For example, to take a shower with your mouth open, to help you drink your two litres of water. At the same time as brushing your teeth, you can read the newspaper, watch TV and interact with your family. When you mop the floor, do it with one hand and use the other to telephone your friends, drink your wine and beer, as you need it. Use your imagination!

If you have a spare 2 minutes, send this message to your friends as you eat your apple and your banana. I have to stop now, as, after my yoghurt and my first litre of water and my third meal I can’t remember what I have to do next. I do know that I have to go to the bathroom NOW! I may save a minute or two if I brush my teeth at the same time!